Living in the Trenches of Child-to-Parent Violence: A Mother’s Journey

Although child-to-parent violence (CPV) is a form of family violence, its victims find themselves in a seemingly impossible situation.  Why you ask?  What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear of someone being abused?  For many, it is the thought, “the victim needs to leave the abuser and seek help.”  But what is a parent to do when it is their child who is abusing them?  A mother experiencing years of violence at the hands of her young son wrote the following passage that describes this distinguishing feature of CPV compared to any other form of family violence.

I am a battered woman  

My body is beaten and my soul, broken

The irony is that I cannot run from the cause of such heartbreak,

rather it is my responsibility to run to it, embrace it,

and do what everyone says cannot be done…

CHANGE HIM

This is because at the cornerstone of my world

is the very being that brings such conflict to my life

My very own flesh and blood, my child

This mother describes a family outing to dinner where, in a packed dining area, her six year-old son asked her if she would visit him in jail when he got older.  She was shocked by his question and asked him why he thought he would be in jail.  He responded that he didn’t think he would be in jail, but rather he KNEW he would be.  He didn’t want to talk about the specifics any further, but insisted that his mother answer his question...would she come visit him?  Would she come every day?  

She answered yes, that she would be there for her son in any she could be, as she glanced down at the area on her forearm where he had bitten her the other day.  The teeth marks had faded and transformed into an area that was swollen and bruised.  She caught herself being thankful that it was winter so that she could wear a long-sleeved shirt.  That was the first time there was a flicker of recognition that what she was experiencing could actually be considered abuse, even though the punches, slaps, bites and kicks had been coming for years.

Later that night, her son told her he knew he would go to jail some day because he hurts her and that is where “bad people” go.  She hugged him tight as tears streamed down her face, wondering how she was going to find the help that he so desperately needed.  It hadn’t come yet despite the countless doctor appoints and behavioral therapy.  

A year later, her younger son lay down for bed one night and asked through tears what would happen to his brother if he killed her one day.  Again, she found herself reassuring her child, holding back tears and hiding the fact that she too shared the same fear.  Flashbacks of sheltering herself and her younger son behind locked doors to protect themselves from her older son's rages teared through her heart and mind. She knew it was going to be a long road, but wished more progress had been made towards a peaceful household over the previous year.

As the story above illustrates, experiencing CPV first hand is devastating.  It often occurs in families that are very caring and nurturing.  If you are experiencing CPV, remember these things when trying to cope:

• It is not your fault
• Both you and your child need help
• You are not expected to have the resources to parent a violent child all on your own
• Lean on others
• Seek professional help

When parents begin to experience CPV, it may be instinct to think the violence is the result of pure lack of discipline in the home.  This is where the guilt that parents place on themselves first comes in to play.  They may react by becoming more strict, only to see an increase in violent attacks by their child.  After the violence, the child may express genuine sorrow and regret, which paints a similar picture to the violent spouse who is later sorry for their outrage and begs forgiveness.

What is the abused parent to do?  It is important to keep in mind that children committing CPV are at increased risk for mental health disorders including Disruptive, Impulse-control and Conduct disorders in addition to  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder (Ibabe et al., 2013; Ibabe et al., 2014).  Any child committing CPV needs to been seen by a healthcare provider for evaluation.  Steps taken from there will vary depending upon the presence of any underlying treatable mental health disorder.  

It is important for others to provide a safe and nurturing environment where the parent and child can openly discuss family dynamics and struggles.  A literature search of treatment for CPV yields very little, as research on the topic is in its infancy and thus has primarily focused on determining the prevalence of CPV and defining risk factors.  This important research is paving the way to a better understanding of this form of family violence, but there is much more research to be done.

Along with researchers, families experiencing CPV play an important role in rising this form of family violence from the darkness by speaking of the violence that occurs in their lives.  Others can help as well, by not turning a blind eye to the existence of CPV and not assuming poor parenting has resulted in the violence these parents are sucummed to.  These families need support and guidance, not judgement and isolation.

References:

Ibabe, I., Arnoso, A., & Elgorriaga, E. (2014). Behavioral problems and depressive symptomatology as predictors of child-to-parent violence. European Journal of Psychology Applied To Legal Context, 6(2), 53-61. doi:10.1016/j.ejpal.2014.06.004.

Ibabe, I., Jaureguizar, J., & Bentler, P. (2013). Risk Factors for Child-to-Parent Violence. Journal Of Family Violence, 28(5), 523-534. doi:10.1007/s10896-013-9512-2.